She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
