Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
