He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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