My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
