Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
