i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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