he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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