Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
