Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
