there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Who died my cat blue again?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
