I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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