If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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