He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
