Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
