also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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