Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
