Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
