ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize