and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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