I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
