I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
