This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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