My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
