Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
