i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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