He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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