well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
