So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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