my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
