ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
