I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
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I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
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If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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