Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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