I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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