Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
