and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
