Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
