I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
