I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
