would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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