We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
