I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
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I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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