Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
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My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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