She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
