This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
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He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize