Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex