you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.