Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
We should try that some time.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....