Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
