the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
