I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
