Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
