I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
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Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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