My hair reeks of homosexuality.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
