hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
