Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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