Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
