I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
