One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
