I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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