this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
