I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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